Introduction
It's entirely possible to have a great time
without spending any money! - well, actually, that depends on what you
mean by "having a great time." For my purposes, we'll assume
that how great a time you have is equivalent to the amount of excitement
you experience. And we'll just say that the level of excitement is
determined by how unprecedented an experience is. No, of course that isn't
logical; but for my purposes, it doesn't really matter.
To start off, I want you to jot down as many
of your everyday activities as you can possibly think of. You're list will
probably include such mundane things as "breathing" and
"sleeping." You do those every day! That means that they're not
new and not exciting. So they can't possibly be good. In fact, the only
road left open to us is to assume that since those things don't constitute
a good time, they must be part of a bad time. That makes it
easy to see your first step towards enjoying yourself! Become a
coffee-addicted, sleepless zombie who doesn't eat and breathes only when
necessary.
Now if you showed those instructions to an
average American, he might say that being a zombie actually isn't
conducive to having a good time. That person might even rationalize that
not breathing would be very difficult. But, you see, there's the problem:
He had to rationalize, and thinking is something you do every day.
Therefore, it can't be fun and exciting--which means that that average
American guy isn't having a good time anyway. So why would you take his
advice? In fact, I have a suggestion: Don't think at all. It's commonplace
and boring. Most people go through their lives thinking all the time;
thinking is the average thing to do. And we've already established
that the average American doesn't have any fun! You do want to have
fun, don't you? Besides, you have a better option than thinking; just do
exactly what I tell you, and don't even bother about trying to average all
those Americans in the first place. Math doesn't apply here. And that
means that Mr. Average American never could have even gotten averaged. He
was lying the whole time.
See what kind of problems you get into when
you take other people's advice? They're just out to make your life
miserable and boring. And they'll try to steal your coffee, too. You just
really don't have any safe options left but to follow my advice--and
I won't even make you think about why that's a good idea. In fact, I'll
allow you to make this your new motto: "Do whatever Richard
says." And you can add another one to it: "Don't think."
It'll go along well with you being a caffeine-addicted zombie.
