Narrator: It's a normal day on Cheddar World in the middle of the Moo Sector of the Milky Way Galaxy. Cheddar lounges on his front porch, eating Ritz Bitz (with plenty of cream cheese, of course). All around lie glimmering weapons - guns, cannons, pokéball launchers - all for defense against me, the evil Lactos. The house of my enemy is actually a tremendous skyscraper at the center of Parmetropolis. It was made with technology so new that it hadn't even been invented at the time of the implementation.  All around loom the imposing structures of the city.  Air ships race by overhead as the air rail noiselessly whirs (I've never quite understood how it could whir noiselessly, what with whir being an onomatopoeia and all). This buzzing yet tranquil city exists in constant danger of the onslaught of me, Lactos the Intolerant; but today, my might will be shown so fully that none will e'er dare but cringe at the very mention of my name. Yes, today, Cheddar will breath his last.

Cheddar: Mmmm... Cream cheese... Gooood...  *Wipes mouth on sleeve*  Hey, MooCow, you want some of this?  You know the ancient proverb, "One should eat cream cheese 'til his stomach bursts like an over-pumped balloon; then he should get to the hospital real quick-like."

MooCow: Uh.. no thanks, Cheddar. I'm full.

Cheddar: How can you possibly turn down cheese?

MooCow: Well, it's just that I - Whaaa! What's happening!

Narrator: Suddenly, in the middle of Cheddar's snacktime, the sky is snuffed out like a murdered candle. Parmetropolis itself  seems to vanish, as only Cheddar's skyscraper stands in the enclosing void. As Cheddar's hand freezes from bewilderment, and his Ritz Bitz clatters to the ground like the last tear from the slaughtered sky, a form materializes in the blackness.

Cheddar: Ah! It's Lactos! To the cheese cannons!

MooCow: Huh? Oomph! *MooCow is tackled by Cheddar and shoved to a cannon*

Lactos the Intolerant: Ha! Ha! Cheddar, so we meet again!

Narrator: As I - Lactos! - stand hovering in void, I raise my arms and iridescence pours forth in a tortured stream. As the brilliance grows, the void itself becomes invisible, and all sight is robbed by the jealous luminescence.  My light tears through the darkness like so many meteorites and strikes my enemy himself. And for a glorious moment, Cheddar cowers before my unveiled power.  In a last exertion, I release an overwhelming flash of magnificence, and the omnipresent void returns instantly. Cheddar and MooCow stare into the sky where I had hovered, and in my place floats an armada of imperial beef ships.

Lactos the Intolerant: Now I shall collect my debt of defeat!

MooCow: Cheddar! Use the anti-meat shield! NOW! BEFORE WE  GET CRUSHED!

Narrator: Cheddar desperately leaps across the porch and pounds a red, Swiss-cheese-shaped button, just as all of my terrifying beef ships emit such a ray of beef energy as would heat a thousand stars. Just as the beams strike the skyscraper,  a milk-bottle shaped force field emerges from the infrastructure and struggles to divert the destruction.  My fleet's energy pours forth, engulfing the force field as flames to a stake.  Surely it will fall, for in that defeat, there would be performed the act toward which I have strived for the main portion of my existence!

Cheddar: Cheese Ray! Now!

Lactos: Ahh! Milk!

Narrator: Cheddar aims a large cheese cannon directly at my flagship and fires it from beneath the inferno. The recoil knocks Cheddar to the floor as a high concentration of pure Monterey Jack bursts from the gun. The beam hits its target, enveloping my ship in an orange ball of cheese energy.  The imperial beef rays spark and fail as many of the overloaded beef ships become depleted of  the energy required to stay in the void and revert to the concept of my Machine.  The ball of cheese energy fades, and a behemoth chunk a' cheddar cheese lies suspended in the air.

MooCow: Behold the power of cheese!

Cheddar: Yahoo! We did it! We finally destroyed Lactos!

Narrator: What impudent fools!  As Cheddar and MooCow wildly rejoice,  screaming their exuberance by proposing a swim in a pool of mozzarella, a voice rings out.

Lactos: Haha! Ha! Ha! You thought you could defeat ME?

MooCow: Uhhh.... Uh-oh.

Narrator: Cheddar and MooCow stare in awe as the chunk of cheddar cheese glows a brilliant red, then explodes into fragments that shoot in all directions. Beams of my light surround the fragments, illuminating them with garish whiteness. The boiling debris rockets into the void, and the radiation subsides. Only I, Lactos the Intolerant and the Invincible!, stand waiting in the air, armored in my fearful Beef Suit!

Lactos: I am invincible!!!!!!!

Narrator:  I already said that.

Lactos:  Oh.  Sorry.  I get confused about which place I'm supposed say different lines, ya' know?

Narrator:  I understand, but there is a war at hand that could not be hindered by the force of a super nova.  The conflict now transpiring would consume such a blaze as a wooden match, and the brilliance of a star should appear as nothing but a small flame.

Lactos:  Hm...  Yah, good point; I think I see what you mean.  But can we get on with the story now?  I wanna' see what happens.

Narrator: I will comply.  *Ahem*  I, Lactos, raise my arm and point to the skyscraper.  The diminished fleet of imperial beef ships hurtle toward Cheddar's home.

Cheddar:  This     isn’t      good...

Narrator: The beef ships smash into the force field and an explosion erupts from within. Cheese and hamburger patties fly in all directions; nothing can be seen but raging fire! As the deadly inferno wanes to a cinder, a harsh voice cries out from the center of the devastated building.

Cheddar: Like, now I’m reeeally mad! Goooooo, MilkTank!

Narrator: As Cheddar cries, I hold out an open hand to the ruins of the building and roar:

Lactos: Sufeeb... TITAEM!

Narrator: The skyscraper vanishes like a wisp of smoke. Nothing remain. There is no ground, there is no sky - only my void standing in the stead of all!  Nothing can be seen but blackness – and the warriors. MooCow lies on the ground, or seems to be lying on something, but there is no bed of dust on which to rest his head.  He lies on a plane of nothingness, badly hurt.  Enraged, Cheddar hurls throws out a pokéball with the disgusting insignia of a wedge of cheese.  Out of the pokéball emerges a large cowish pokémon, sporting a deluxe cannon-like appendage thingy on its back.  (Sunroof not included.)

Cheddar: MooCow, are you OK?!

MooCow (weakly): Do I look OK to you?

Cheddar: Grrrrrrr..  Lactos YOU! GRRRR! MILKTANK! PROVOLONE BEAM!!

Narrator: By this time, I have effortlessly descended to the ground - or should I say the plane of pure nothing? A pokéball floats from my hand, and there emerges the culmination of my superiority - King Tauros! Foolish but fearless to the end, the MilkTank lowers its head as a beam of pure Provolone cheese spout from the cannon toward my Tauros. The King carelessly dodges to the side, easily avoiding the cheese. Cheddar pants to catch his breathe as I begin laughing insanely.

Lactos: MWAHAHA! HA! HAA! You’ll have to do better than that! It’s my turn!

Narrator: I raise my arm to gather a ball of beef energy.

Cheddar: Hey, Lactos! This is a pokémon battle. Remember?

Lactos: Huh? Oh yeah. Whoops! Sorry. Tauros! Use Hamburger Barrage!  Crush that foolish bovine! (We're talking about the Milktank here, not Cheddar.)

Narrator: As I  snuff out my ball of energy, King Tauros begins to glower at the MilkTank. His eyes glow red, and from within them, a plethora of hamburger patties shoot out -- at first, each as miniscule as a grain of dust, but maturing as they approach the target, gluttonously feeding on anticipated victory until they reach the size of four wheelers as they reach the MilkTank.

The MilkTank: MOOOOOOOOO!!!

Narrator: The patties slam into the cow, blasting it back with the strength of an imperial beef ray.

Lactos: ha! Ha! HA! hA! I’ve been training him for that.

Cheddar: NO! Milktank! My poor pokémon!  MilkTank! Return!

Narrator: MilkTank transforms into red energy and returns to the pokéball.

Lactos: Give it up, you weakling!  My King Tauros holds the power of an armada!  He has inherited my own characteristics!

Cheddar: Never!

Narrator: As Cheddar issues that very eloquent retort, a strange and unfortunate event occurs:  Cheddar has an intelligent thought.  Having heard that my King Tauros is akin to me, Cheddar remembers the one thing that I detest.  A head band snaps from nowhere to Cheddar’s head, a small pane of glass pops from it to cover Cheddar’s eye,  and three crosshairs lock onto  their target.

Lactos: No! Not the –

Narrator: I am cut off as a ray of highly-Pasteurized milk streams from the head band. The beverage hits the Tauros, bathing it in cheese.

Lactos: NOOO!!  

Narrator:  I stagger like a man struck by a poisoned shaft.

Lactos: Grrrrr! Do you have any idea  how long it’s gonna’ take me to clean that off?!? Return, Tauros! I can stand no more!  Cheddar, this is the end!!!

Narrator: As I laugh like lunatic, my wits converting themselves to raw power, a spherical vortex of pulsating power appears in the place where the sky had been. The ball plummets downward and shatters into something like splinters of glass as it collides with the plane of nothingness on which Lactos the Intolerant and Cheddar stand - for MooCow has vanished. The splinters swirl, stop glowing, and unite into the silhouette of a hamburger, turning pitch black--blacker than even the nothing that constitutes all!

Cheddar: What is that?!

Lactos: GWAHAHA! Wormhole

Narrator:  -- Creation trembles at the word --

 Lactos: Activate!

Narrator: The silhouette begins to spin, slowly at first, but gathering speed rapidly. As the wormhole rotates, Cheddar and Lactos are sucked toward it.

Cheddar: Lactos! What are you doing?! It will destroy us both!

Lactos: I know! I know!!!! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Narrator: Wind rushes by their ears toward the hamburger-shaped wormhole. Cheddar struggles to resist the immense pull  -- but cannot!  His body is grasped by the inescapable claw of gravitational acceleration, and Cheddar falls toward the singularity. As he approaches it, he furiously flails his arms, trying to grab onto something -- anything! -- nothing exists anywhere! As he comes within a few yards of the wormhole, his body straining, every lineament clearly visible from the stress, Cheddar glances desperately in all directions, trying to find any possible means of salvation.  But he only sees that his opponent too -- for it is his opponent in name, and his opponent only.  Surely the lunatic caught in the void, rejoicing in his destruction, cannot be representative of my genius!  The one diving to meet his end is only a frail image of what I was before I became entangled in the maddening net of final triumph over my arch nemesis, and my mind succumbed to the growing forces of insanity! - His opponent  too is caught in the vortex, laughing madly, not even attempting to resist the black hole's tug.

Cheddar: Lactos! What are you doing?  Stop this!

Lactos: No! THIS IS THE END!

Narrator: Just before Cheddar is sucked into the void, that same unexpected and bewildering phenomenon occurs.

Cheddar: Mm, wait, I have an idea--Cheese-Pak, activate! Full power!

Narrator: From outside the void, a tank of pressurized cheese straps itself onto Cheddar’s back, and the headband that so pained me earlier once again materializes onto Cheddar's head - but this time it is not I who am pained, but a raving madman. Cheese blasts out of two holes at the bottom of the Cheese-pak, slowing withering the grasp of my wormhole and propelling Cheddar beyond the grip of destruction.

Lactos: No, Cheddar... This IS the END!

Narrator: The lower extremities, up to the waist, of that madman - that utter lunatic - have already been consumed by wormhole, but with tremendous effort, he raises up one arm and clamps onto Cheddar’s ankle.  Misperceiving his intent, Cheddar cries:

Cheddar: That’s it! We can both make it out!

Lactos: HA HA! NO! --  CHEDDAR! -- HAHAHA!!! WE BOTH GO DOWN!

Narrator: Still clamped to Cheddar’s leg, the madman raises his other arm and gathers a hamburger-shaped ball of plasmarized beef, one of the most volatile acids in the universe. He blasts the energy at Cheddar's Cheese-Pak. The Cheese-Pak explodes.

Cheddar: NOOOO!!!

Lactos: HA! HA! HAAAA!!!!

Narrator: Without the Cheese-Pak’s thrust to support them, both Cheddar and that reduced form of Lactos the Intolerant plummet into the abyss. While falling, Cheddar looks upward, and just before his head is forever submerged within the wormhole, he sees a flash of light, and for an instant as fleeting as the moments in which a dying man views the parade of his life, for moment so brief that no particle of light could traverse its own width, for such a miniscule iota of time that not even the faintest echo of its passing was perceived by all powers in the cosmos, the city of Parmetropolis rises before Cheddar's eyes, forever free of fear, and images flash through his head of all the cows and dairy plants that have ever existed. As he falls through the wormhole, one last thought calmly flows through his mind like the mellow whisper of a history made forever secure:  Yes,  the universe is safe now.

The portal closes. Both Lactos and Cheddar are separated from the universe. As MooCow, awakening in Parmetropolis, stares dumbfuzzled at the spot where the wormhole had been, a single indeterminate voice rings out, not coming from anywhere, yet resounded by all:

Voice: I shall return.