It's entirely possible to have a great time without spending any money! - well, actually, that depends on what you mean by "having a great time." For my purposes, we'll assume that how great a time you're having is equivalent to the amount of excitement you're experiencing. And we'll just say that the level of excitement is determined by how unprecedented an experience is. No, of course that isn't logical; but for my purposes, it doesn't really matter.

To start off, I want you to jot down as many of your everyday activities as you can possibly think of. You're list will probably include such mundane things as "breathing" and "sleeping." You do those every day! That means that they're not new and not exciting. So they can't possibly be good. In fact, the only road left open to us is to assume that since those things don't constitute a good time, they must be part of a bad time. That makes it easy to see your first step towards enjoying yourself! Become a coffee-addicted, sleepless zombie who doesn't eat and breathes only when necessary.

Now if you showed those instructions to an average American, he might say that being a zombie actually isn't conducive to having a good time. That person might even rationalize that not breathing would be very difficult. But, you see, there's the problem: He had to rationalize, and thinking is something you do every day. Therefore, it can't be fun and exciting, which means that that average American guy isn't having a good time. So why would you take his advice? In fact, I have a suggestion: Don't think at all. It's commonplace and boring. Most people go through their lives thinking all the time; thinking is the average thing to do. And we've already established that the average American doesn't have any fun! You do want to have fun, don't you? Besides, you have a better option than thinking; just do exactly what I tell you, and don't even bother about trying to average all those Americans in the first place. Math doesn't apply here. And that means that Mr. Average American never could have even gotten averaged. He was lying the whole time.

See what kind of problems you get into when you take other people's advice? They're just out to make your life miserable and boring. And they'll try to steal your coffee, too. You just really don't have any safe options left but to follow my advice - and I won't even make you think about why that's a good idea. In fact, I'll allow you to make this your new motto: "Do whatever Richard says." And add another one to it: "Don't think." It'll go along well with you being a caffeine-addicted zombie.